Finding Me

It’s been a while since I wrote the last part of my blog as part four, I had never thought I would write, I never felt the need but today I do.

I am eight years into my journey as a survivor, I often have to ground myself as sometimes I don’t recognise me, this can often give me a feeling of numbness and regret for what I lived in, BUT I have to remember how brave I am, how far I have come, and most importantly to me how safe my children are.

In my previous blog I spoke about my fiancé – we are now married, and that day was amazing, real, and happy. Although, I still question this normality that I live in, it’s safe, its happy, and more than ever, I can be me. Some days aren’t always easy and I still suffer from PTSD; I have triggers but I manage them and speak up ensuring I never put myself in a situation I don’t wish to be in. I have clear boundaries and through this, I have lost people over time, but that’s OK, my boundaries are here for a reason and they are here to stay .

I am now four years on from a no contact order and a bar 9114 that ended January 2023. Every January, my anxiety heightens, will I get a letter, will I get a court order, will I have to go through court again? Then I realise NO, and that is because this was an extended act of domestic abuse to use the court system to gain control, and as you would have read earlier, the abuser failed.

The reason I now call him the abuser is due to the knowledge I now have around the word Narcissist, which I referred the abuser to in my previous parts to this blog. He is not a Narcissist, this is a medical condition, which he does not have, and by labelling him that I am making an excuse, there is no excuse as he had a choice to abuse me, it’s a choice he made, not me.

I have grown so much as a person, what I learnt was I needed to work on myself, so I continued with therapy and started to believe in me.

I noticed, a job advertised for NIDAS, I knew I was ready, I knew I could support to make positive changes without being affected myself, but also using my personal journey and knowledge to support other women with the full understanding of what they are feeling.

I applied for the position, not really believing in myself but desperately wanting to be part of NIDAS. I received a call to offer me the position and I was overwhelmed, it felt surreal for a good while.

I was given the opportunity to help change lives, I am so very passionate about supporting and empowering women, and it meant so much to me. Another new start.

When I re-read my blog, I don’t recognise the person I was, but I was much stronger than I thought, I just never saw this as I was always in fight or flight mode and was never able to reflect on just how well I had managed.

I now try to work with my triggers rather than let them ruin me. One thing that I really struggled with was my body and looks after being put down and called names repeatedly by the abuser, what I saw in the mirror is not what others saw and I was battling with this daily. I took it upon myself to join a burlesque dance group, I was literally nearly sick when I stepped through the door 8-months ago. I didn’t need to tell anyone why I was there, I just went with it and I am currently rehearsing for my first dance show with a group of amazing, empowering women who are learning to love themselves and hold their heads up high, many trying to find themselves again.

With the support of my husband and family, I realise that I deserve the life I have now made for myself. I still find myself overcompensating at times when I am in a situation that I feel out of control of, or I have flashbacks, but every day I wake up and feel thankful for all that I have and for how far I have come in every aspect of my life. That is down to me, my strength and determination. Remember sink or swim!

Be you, be free, be nothing less than the best version of yourself.

When it gets tough, reach out, you are a survivor of your own journey, be determined to fight until there’s nothing left to fight and then will be the time for you to recover and smile again.

“Every Woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcase of pride and boarded a flight to freedom which landed in a valley of change.”

Much Love Donna x