So, from then to now, I have climbed an emotional mountain, some days falling straight to the bottom. I have fought for myself and my daughter seven times over in family court.  With the help and support of my family and friends, and amazing fiancé, I have dragged myself back up to freedom. I have a voice, I can say no, I can laugh, I can cry, I can enjoy my life being a mummy and being my own person with my own opinion, without fear.

Before now, I had programmed myself to hide my tears and the life I was living, but I stand tall now and I am not ashamed of openly telling people I am a survivor of domestic abuse. I am not afraid of saying that I have been at the bottom, on my knees, or walked around in the clothes I have slept in with unwashed hair, not knowing how I am going to put one foot in front of the other or stand in the playground feeling downtrodden and worthless. I am proud to be me.

Learning to live

I wake up in the morning, sometimes after a terrible night’s sleep with flashbacks due to my Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CTPSD), forever grateful for my inner strength and determination. Further thankful that I never did take myself to that river with my beautiful baby.

It took a lot to let someone into my life again. It’s not been easy for him to witness some of the terrible times I have had during court hearings, my personal trauma, and ongoing meetings with agencies, but he has stood by me and watched me grow and become the strong person I now am. He loves me for me.

I am becoming more confident in myself, and my journey has made me so passionate about helping other women, which is why I am telling my story today. Never did I think I would be brave enough to do this due to fear, embarrassment, and uncertainty. It has not been easy but knowing I can help just one woman makes it all worth it.

Helping others

After recovering from being ill in July 2019 (mental exhaustion and stress surrounding the sixth court case), I started collecting donations for women fleeing domestic abuse, many of them fled with only the clothes they were wearing. I collected everything from household goods to baby nappies; my garage was constantly full, it was brilliant!

A month later, I took part in a 5k run for NIDAS with my eldest daughter, with my NIDAS Court IDVA and my family cheering me on. Tears streaming down my face, I told myself to keep running, keep going nothing will beat you. It was then that I decided to hold a fundraiser for another domestic abuse charity. This was a wonderful, emotional day raising awareness in the community. We raised around £800 for the charity, and it felt amazing to be giving something back, turning the negatives into positives.

That day, I didn’t realise that I was going to meet a lifelong friend, a lovely woman, who had been invited by my Support Worker to come along to the event. This woman has now become one of my close friends. Together, we support each other. Sharing our experiences was sometimes mirrored, but they are also very different. Our outcome was a positive change to our lives, getting there was the hard part.

The final court hearing

How I did it, I do not know, but I will never forget the words said that day: “no contact and a Section 91(14) barring order for three years”. For me, this meant freedom. When the judge gave the verdict, I turned to the court usher and said, “It feels like I’ve been released, like I’ve just come out of prison”. I felt I had been set free; my voice and my reasons were heard.

Within the proceedings of my final hearing to freedom, I included the practice 12J. The purpose of this law is to protect parents and children from further harm relating to domestic abuse. This practice is what saved us from getting no-contact, and I can’t tell you how important this was for me and my family, so I urge everyone to read about it.

Following on from the last hearing, I still suffer with CPTSD, but this is being treated with Eye Movement Therapy (EMT), which is amazing for me. I’ve also had hypnotherapy and hours of counselling, sometimes twice a week. Steps like these and making time for yourself is so important for your healing process and your future.

A lasting impact: my daughter and the Children’s Worker

Life has just got better and better. I have spoken at events for domestic abuse services about my journey and the help myself and my children have received, which has been amazing. My other daughter had the most wonderful Children’s Worker, and she still talks of her now.

After the final court hearing, I sat down with my daughter and explained what the future looks like for us one of her greatest fears was her little sister having to have contact with someone that she had witnessed physically and mentally abuse her mummy whilst she was pregnant and then after her little sister was born – in her eyes he was a monster. Up until then, I had kept her completely removed from any conversation around the court proceedings, phone calls etc. This was so hard; managing my mental health around her, the guilt I felt as a mummy who couldn’t protect her children was horrific.

She had no idea what we were going through, every court hearing I had to attend I had said was a job interview. When I had finished explaining, she said, “You have done all this mummy? Without me knowing? You have been so brave”. She then rushed upstairs, and I could hear her tapping away on the computer.

The next day, my daughter stood up in front of two classes, with two sheets of laminated paper, and gave a presentation about domestic abuse. She encouraged her classmates to ask questions and repeated word for word what her Children’s Worker had said to her, “Domestic abuse is wrong and is not acceptable”. The worker was wonderful and made a lasting impact. My daughter has an amazing understanding of what domestic abuse is; she says she is proud to call me her mummy.

But we have not stopped there. Myself and my partner in crime (as I like to call her) looked at what we could do together that would signpost support for women in one centralised place. This has led us to creating a website which went live in 2020, ‘Empower Nottinghamshire’. It includes information we feel we, as victims and survivors, we have needed throughout our journeys. The website has a quick exit button, which is vital for safety. (The website is currently being re-designed, please check back soon for the link).

On reflection

As a woman who has survived abuse, I am left with emotional scars. Not a day goes by that I do not think about the women and families suffering in silence. Let us break this silence together.

I cannot thank my Support Workers enough for helping and supporting me through this journey. Allowing me to share my story with others has alone has empowered me as a person in so many ways.

“You’re not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth and raging courage.”

– Alex Elle

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my blog, and remember, there are no limits when the only way you can go is up.