The look of love can be so gripping

After my first marriage breakdown, I was worth nothing. The attention my new partner gave me was something I had never had and was going at a speed where I had no control… or so I thought.

The cupping of my face and the words “you are beautiful” were just enough to reel me in, now I understand I was only ever The Narcissist’s food. I now also know that anything I ever was, was certainly beyond too good for him. Time, counselling, various medication, and support from NIDAS eventually got me to this conclusion.

The Beginning

Smothering is how I would describe the first part of my experience with The Narcissist. Before I knew it, he was there three nights, which turned into four and then five. Those nights soon turned to lonely nights and a constant feeling of uncertainty. My bank account was not looking like it used to, the stale smell of alcohol and smoke were starting to take over my home, but it was ok because he said I was beautiful.

At first, I was allowed to go out with him (a bit like a trophy in a way), family parties and gatherings with friends… such a lucky girl. But then things started to change, and I didn’t have the courage to challenge any of those changes. I knew he liked a drink, but what I was about to experience would be life changing.

I became pregnant just months after we got together. I gave him the news and at that point, I became invisible. He couldn’t wait to tell the world what he had achieved, I became invisible.

In The Narcissist’s head, he now had the right to abuse me. The right to hurt me. The right to scare me. He made it his mission to take the person away that everyone knew and loved

The First Incident

I took a call whilst at work, “DON’T BOTHER PICKING ME UP. I will make my way home when I am ready, not when you say,” (this is the polite version of the call). It was his birthday. I had booked a meal longing for some normality.

I received another call around 6pm accusing me of sleeping with other people and telling me to get rid of the baby. I started to shake, so I called his sister. I needed to get out of the house. His family were aware of how he had been treating me, but I had managed to keep it from my own family and friends because I thought I could fix it and it would all go away. His sister took me and my six-year-old daughter in.

The Narcissist Strikes Again

My neighbours called me the same night the police had been called and The Narcissist was laying outside my house, drunk, shouting, “she’s pregnant, she’s in there” – again, this is the polite version. He was half-dressed, had smashed a window and kicked my door until it was damaged.

When the Police finally arrived, he told them I had locked him out. They took him inside and put him to bed. Narcissists are amazing manipulators of authority.

His father gave me the go ahead for an abortion if I wanted to. But it was then that I realised that control was coming from his family and friends, the pregnancy continued and so did many abusive incidents. We were well past the “sorry speech” at this point. He even wrote a pledge and asked me to sign it. Yes, a pledge stating what I could and couldn’t say and what he was able to do!

The Wedding Reception

One incident that sticks with me was the wedding reception of my friend’s daughter. I was so helpless. He was drunk before we even arrived. How do you ask for help, or tell people you are in trouble, at someone’s wedding? There was just never the right time.

I drove home and he was shouting all the way, calling me names, and singing a song to me through slurred words, ‘All by Myself.’ I can’t listen to this song now as it triggers my PTSD. “That’s you b***h, you’re a dirty disgrace and your friends think you are pathetic.”

I thought I was pathetic as well, I had nowhere to turn.

He grabbed the steering wheel and for a minute I took my hands off wanting it to end for myself and my unborn child, but then strength came. My inner voice reminded me that I have my other children. Keep driving through the tears of pain and fear and just get yourself home.

I remember his hands around my throat that night and being forced over the banister, I remember trying to fight back, then of course I was the crazy one.

My Pregnancy Journey

The following day, I plucked up the courage to ask him to leave, but I ended up in hospital and almost lost my baby.

His mother and father stayed with me. They would not allow me home, so myself and my six-year-old daughter stayed at their house. He had been out drinking since dinner time, and looking back, I don’t know how I was functioning and trying to normalise it all to my daughter.

Time passed and my beautiful baby was born despite so many more incidents; some even during hospital visits. I disclosed to a midwife and was told, “you know what men are like.” That was my window and she missed it.

I came home after a c-section and had a few days of calm until it was back worse than ever. He was coming in drunk, wetting the bed, refusing to help with care or anything at all. I kept this secret, away from my world of support that I now know was waiting for me.

Sink or Swim

I was sinking. Many times, I thought the best idea was to take myself and my baby and put myself in a river to end this trapped dark feeling.

I was weak, I was tired and on one occasion I asked for gripe water to be brought back home, he refused. Beer was more important, so I tried to settle her myself. The key went in the door and my heart was racing.

He could not even stand up. I can still feel his breath on my face, telling me what a terrible mum I was. He stamped on my foot, ripping my toenail off, and I was bleeding everywhere. He called the police and told them I had assaulted him. Whilst grabbing my throat, I shouted, “please help me”. I looked up and my 6-year-old daughter was crying. He said to her, “say goodbye to your mummy, you won’t see her again, the police are taking her”. My son, who was 16 at the time, shouted for him to stop but from the fear on his face like many times before when he had witnessed this abuse, I could see he felt helpless. I was their mum, and I was allowing this to happen in front their eyes.

This was my realisation.

The police arrived with flashing lights and sirens, another embarrassing moment. I thought they were going to take me away, but it was clear to them that it was my blood on the floor, and he was intoxicated. He was restrained and taken from my home by six police officers.

I felt dead inside trying to feed my two-week-old baby with nothing left to give. 

The Beginning of The End

I received a call from the Multi-Agency Safeguarding Hub (MASH) team the following day. The idea of receiving help started to feel real. A Domestic abuse support worker called me, but I ignored it for a few days. I felt so ashamed, but she did not give up on me. She arranged to visit me, and she was absolutely wonderful. I never pressed charges because I blamed myself, my hormones, and his drink problem…a big regret now.

I was not as brave as some women who will be reading this. I did not get out and it was taken out of my hands and into the hands of social services, but it didn’t stop there. I had no idea that the journey I was about to go on would change the rest of my life. I look forward to sharing with you the second part of my blog where strength and courage is all I needed.